Lisa Brookes Kift, MFTMy wife and I have been married for just over a year. We rushed into it and were married after only dating for 4 months. Anyway, as expected we had some adjusting to do and we ran into a few communication blockages. There is no blame to cast but it appeared to both of us that the unhappiness was generally on her side and she wasn’t able to tell me why. We’ve come along way but I still don’t feel like she is able or wanting to really open up to me. I thought we started the marriage by being completely open but my confidence in our marriage has slowly eroded as some things seem to be left unsaid on her part. That’s the background.
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Our work days are skewed and I generally stay up an hour or two later than her. I’ve noticed for at least 4 months and most likely the length of the relationship that she masturbates with a vibrator almost nightly and occasionally after sex. She doesn’t know that I know and she doesn’t talk about it. I’ve gently asked her if she is getting all she physically needs/wants from our relationship without bringing up the vibrator use. She says that our physical relationship is everything she wants and she genuinely seems to enjoy it. She has multiple orgasms with me, I’ve been told that I’m a very good lover, I’m physically fit and attractive and I have no reason to believe that I’m not satisfying her. At first I thought she did it to relax and fall asleep but then I started to wonder if she was thinking about someone else. I then started wondering if I was satisfying her. I am currently thinking that she does it mainly to relax but occasionally to avoid being intimate with me. It seems to be a very personal thing to her and I’m not sure if I should ask her about it. She doesn’t initiate sex as often as she did in the early part of the relationship (I realize that that is probably normal). We have sex 2 or 3 times a week but that is starting to dip to once or twice. I’m also loosing enthusiasm for initiating anything because I know she’ll just wait for me to leave so she can turn on her vibrator.
Do I invade her privacy and ask her about it?
Lisa’s thoughts…
Your wife has multiple orgasms with you when you are intimate (unless she is faking it, of course). Assuming she is not, and she reports to find you great in bed, she is clearly is enjoying her sexual experience with you. Perhaps the use of a vibrator every night is just a way to unwind before falling asleep. And there is a vast range of what is considered normal in libido levels. She may have a very high sex drive, needs a lot of stimulation and is happy to seek it out via the sex toy as well.
Regarding the possibility of her thinking about someone else, maybe she is and maybe she’s not. Fantasy is also normal and as long as she’s not acting it out via an affair, I wouldn’t be concerned about that. You seem confident in yourself and she reports to be satisfied by you. Where fantasy can become problematic is if she resorts to it to avoid intimacy with you. But I’m not getting the sense this is the case here either. To your concerns though, her behavior has been triggering some insecurity in you so it’s important to communicate with her frequently.
Bring it to her in an open, loving and curious way. This is not an invasion of privacy but rather a demonstrate of healthy communication. It’s much better to clarify any assumptions or worries you have than to let them fester as this tends to amplify them. And yes, sex frequency can diminish as time goes on. Communicate about this piece too, that it would feel good to you if she initiated sometimes as well.
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