Lisa Brookes Kift, MFTHuman connection can be powerful, meaningful and yield many gifts. Though we are wired to connect with others, there are different types of connections, some deeper than others. The needs in those relationships can also be different. Consider the differences between your need from an intimate partnerships and work colleagues. And then there are friendships.
Though men often have different types of friendships than women and seek different things from their relationships, it is still true that deeper connections predict better health and well-being in reducing the impact of stress and avoiding loneliness (many say an epidemic in the US). Social media, though can bring people closer, often does so on a more superficial level, a fleeting look at someone’s life via their recent posts. IRL (in real life) friendships provide the biggest emotional and health payoffs.
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But having many friends doesn’t always equate to quality. Some prefer to operate like this and in fact, may find it easier. For those who have emotional wounds and struggle to be vulnerable with others, surface level relationships may feel safer. You could know hundreds of people yet not feel close to any of them. I’ve worked with people in my therapy practice who are aware they probably appear happy, nice, accommodating…yet at the end of the day, they don’t feel truly known. Many waft through life without many deeper friendships but where there’s a desire to change that, there also needs some accountability for how you show up.
If you put effort into a being a better friend, even just a select few, you will likely notice a reciprocity start to happen from those who want the same. It can take time to cultivate and nurture meaningful relationships. And sometimes, despite your efforts to deepen a connection, your efforts will not be met. Some people unconsciously operate on more of a surface level and they report to be content. Remember that people also have different levels of awareness and introspection ability.
How to Be a Better Friend
- Listen well. Make space and consider what they are saying rather than preparing for a response.
- Be curious. Deepen conversations by asking more questions.
- Know them. Retain important goals, celebratory achievements and pain points.
- Be open. Share your feelings, goals, celebratory achievements and pain points.
- Be empathetic. Try to feel how they feel and respond appropriately. “That must have been hard.”
- Give space when needed. More introverted people recharge with their alone time. Understand and be respectful of that.
- Be loyal. Keep their secrets and be their champion.
- Be reliable. Do your best to “show up” in whatever way you have committed to.
- Know yourself. Be aware of your issues and notice if they come up in the relationship. Own your stuff.
- Apologize. If you mess up, take responsibility. Repair your mistake to show them they matter and you can be vulnerable in this way.
- Be there for the hard stuff. Life can be painful. We all need each other during these times.
- Smile. Humor is bonding, particularly for two people who appreciate it.
There are many other ways you can learn to be a better friend than the above but it’s a good start. You might find that some of the above are easier than others for you. Much of this can be related to your own history; family of origin, trauma, intimate relationship history, etc.
If life has taught you that people can be trusted and relied upon, that being vulnerable is safe, it will likely be easier for you to achieve what’s on the list. If your experiences have shown you that you can’t rely on others, if there is relational trauma, it may take a bit more time. Sometimes people with painful histories can be blocked by negative belief systems about who they are and their value. Consider additional resources like therapy or other helping tools for support if needed.
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Work with Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT via California Online Therapy and Counseling or ask Lisa a question via her Ask Lisa Consultations service available by chat on this website.
