Lisa Brookes Kift, MFTPeople seek individual therapy for a number of reasons but usually something isn’t working for them emotionally or in their relationships. Expectations around what this process looks like can vary too.
I see my role as witness, guide, explorer and collaborator. I bring education, intuition and skill at helping to discover the underlying obstacles blocking people from feeling their best internally and in their relationships. Led by curiosity and a genuine interest in people, I ask a lot of questions and consider it a privilege to be allowed the opportunity to take this journey with those who have put their trust in me.
Don’t want therapy but looking for real human expert feedback? Ask Lisa via chat.
With individual therapy, it’s crucial to understand the core belief systems that drive people as these inform so much of how they operate in life. Therapists work from different theoretical orientations (or a blend, like me). But here is my take on some of the aspects of deeper level change in individual therapy:
- The establishment of emotional safety in the room: The therapist-client relationship creates the potential for the work to be done. A client needs to feel heard, seen, validated and empathized with, all aspects of emotional safety, also critical for intimate and other close relationships.
- Identifying the core beliefs that might be blocking you: What is your narrative about self, others and the world? How did you come to these beliefs? People often develop their core beliefs in childhood, in the family of origin, through direct or indirect messages from parents, others around them and experiences. Identifying what narratives drive you now is the first step towards challenging and shifting those beliefs. “I’m not good enough,” is an example of a core belief.
- Identifying your unmet needs that remain as wounds. Earlier in life, what did you need emotionally that you didn’t get? These unmet needs often funnel to the development of core beliefs. For example, if your mother was emotionally unavailable (perhaps too busy), you might have learned that you need to take care of yourself, showing up as fierce independence. You might have learned it’s not safe to rely on others in this way.
- Allowing yourself the emotional experience. Do you have buried pain? You probably wisely found coping mechanisms to adapt to that. It’s called survival. Part of the process of deeper change is acknowledging pain – not to stay stuck in it but to move through it. Otherwise it has a way of showing itself in ways that may surprise you.
- Developing self-compassion. Once you’re clear about the impact of your experience, you are in a place where you can have compassion for the younger version of you. If you befriend your inner child, you can then imagine him/her back then, feel for his/her experience and learn to soothe him/her. The inner child is there in all of us but often is hiding out. Shame can do that. Consider your inner child active when you are triggered emotionally (anxious, afraid, angry…) and be especially mindful of repetitive patterns of reactivity. It’s likely that your little one is activated. What does he/she need? You can learn to self-soothe by connecting with your inner child.
- Noticing. As you move through the therapy process and learn more about yourself, you will likely notice things. Perhaps you catch yourself reacting as you have before but you are able to pause and consider what triggered you, re-assess the meaning you assigned and do something different in the moment! This is deeper level change in action.
That’s a snapshot of how I work with people. Doing therapy is brave work and I am always amazed by people, what they’ve experienced and the work they put in for lasting change.
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I offer in-office or online therapy to residents of California. See my Marin Therapy and Counseling services, just north of San Francisco in Marin County, Ca.
If you are out of state, I also offer educational emotional health or relationship consultation services via chat on this site.
