Lisa Brookes Kift, MFTThe reign of online dating and its hallmark “swipe culture” is experiencing a decline. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge became the go-to for people looking for love, or at least a connection. But recent trends suggest this phenomenon is waning. More people are expressing fatigue with the superficiality, gamification, and often disappointing outcomes of these platforms. My therapy practice and self-reports of friends have also reflected this.
I wonder if despite recent years of the popularity of using online dating apps to “connect,” that people are lonelier than ever within them.
According to the Harvard article, What is Causing the Epidemic of Loneliness and How Can We Fix It?, researchers identified technology as a primary driver (73% of those surveyed). Perhaps despite technology in many cases helping to bring people together, it also has the ability to pull them apart in its inherent functionality. In online dating, the swipe, swipe, swipe…exploiting the brain’s dopamine reward system with a potentially never-ending cycle of anticipation and gratification. But there is a downside to this, as always with addictive cycles.
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A 2023 Pew Research Center study revealed widespread dissatisfaction with online dating, citing frustration and negative experiences. Where quick judgments based on limited profiles can lead to shallow interactions, ghosting and breadcrumbing are common, leaving individuals feeling disheartened and disposable. The constant pressure to present a curated online persona and the endless cycle of swiping and messaging has also led many to feel overall dating app fatigue. Surely this must fuel loneliness in a sea of people, many under the spell of the urge to keep seeking, the options being endless. “Maybe there is someone better…”
Romance scammers are dotting the online dating landscape
To make matters more complicated, dating apps are one of the hunting grounds for romance scammers who prey on emotional vulnerability and desire for connection. They typically do so by quickly trying to establish a strong emotional connection by “love bombing” and intense attention to make you feel special. There will always be reasons why you cannot meet this person and the end game is a financial scam of some kind. The presence of these bad actors makes the online dating scene a bit of a minefield and the psychological tactics can ensnare even the most intelligent and educated of people. It’s a billion dollar industry in the U.S. alone but the true amount of loss is not knowable with shame and embarrassment likely stopping many from reporting it.
The draw of openness and authenticity
As a therapist for many years, I can say with certainty that authenticity is a sweet spot. Much of what brings people in to therapy is internal disconnection from that and/or a lack of authentic connections with others. Putting on social masks and playing games actually requires quite a bit of energy and can be stressful. Through the course of the online dating phenomenon, it appears communication styles have shifted to often murky, leaving many unclear of how the other feels with inconsistency or worse, simply vanishing into thin air. This can deal an immediate blow to the development of emotional safety, a critical component of healthy relationships. It makes sense that people have had enough and are leaning back towards a more organic process of meeting others, in real life.
Where are people turning to create genuine connection?
The power of real-life interactions is being rediscovered via joining clubs and attending social events. Connecting through friends is a good option. Some are exploring alternative dating platforms which prioritize quality interactions over endless swiping. Matchmaking services are also gaining popularity, offering a personalized approach to finding compatible partners. Lastly, clients have told me they enjoy sites that offer various connection opportunities around activities and hobbies, like MeetUp.com.
While online dating will surely continue to have a place in modern dating, the shift away from swipe culture appears to reflect a desire for more meaningful connections and authentic experiences. This is not to undervalue the real connections and love that have been found online because this is also true. But many now seem to understand that we need, at the very least, a more balanced approach to dating.
